Ghosts (Season 1)

Main: Seasons 2 3 4 5 6

Ghosts (2021–present) is an American single-camera sitcom, airing on CBS, about a young couple whose dreams come true when they inherit a beautiful country house, only to find it's both falling apart and inhabited by many of the deceased previous residents.

[First lines of the series]

Trevor: It won't be long now.

Alberta: At least she's comfortable.

Pete: There's definitely worse ways to go.

Alberta: Amen.

Isaac: We are ghosts. While most spirits pass on to the afterlife, we are the unfortunate few cursed to spend eternity... Oh, and she's gone.

Isaac: We are ghosts, those poor spirits who dwell on, compelled for reasons unknown to...

[Crash is headless. Samantha screams in terror.]

[final lines]

All: (repeatedly) Hello.

Isaac: Okay, I need you to look up "Alexander Hamilton" on this.

Isaac: Ah, yes, Beatrice. She was a handsome woman. We slept in separate bedrooms, to keep the flame of our passion burning bright. Now, let's talk military service. I was a beloved commander, though I was known for riding my men hard.

[final lines]

Jay: You're not even listening to me.

Samantha: Babe, you're not listening to me.

Isaac: Democracy, though the best form of government, is a tedious and flawed process.

Isaac: I practically invented democracy!

Sasappis: Actually, Indigenous governments were the model for American federalism....We also invented popcorn. You're welcome.

Jay: I just have one ask....Can I shoot the flaming arrow?

Samantha: I married a nine-year-old.

Thorfinn: I like small man, he is fun!

Hetty: Look at that! I used my female brain to exercise my rights, and I don't feel the vapors coming on at all!

Pete: Are we having a dinner party?

Samantha: I was sort of hoping maybe you guys would just give us some space.

Jay: Uh, yes, sir, Pete, you gots to go. No ghosts allowed. But we love dinner parties.

Pete: The smells, the fashions, the banter. But sure, there's other stuff we can do.

Samantha: Yeah, is that okay?

Pete: Yeah. There's a spider in the attic that's spinning some pretty interesting stuff.

Pete: Arrow guy? Still? Unbelievable!

[final lines]

Alberta: We hate Halloween.

Jay: What did they say?

Samantha: They don't like it.

Jay: OK, that feels off brand.

Trevor: All Hallows Eve mocks us and belittles our very existence.

Pete: People putting sheets over their heads & pretending to be ghosts. I mean, what is that?

Little Ghostbuster: Trick-or-treat.

Samantha: Aw, he's a little ghostbuster.

Sasappis: A little what?

[first lines]

Pete: And just like everything else, when it comes to nature and safety or even plain old life lessons, it's all in this book. Which brings us to today's lesson: archery!

Scouts: Yay!

Pete: Now, I'm sure we all just want to just start flinging arrows at the targets, but, first, we need to go over some basic safety rules, okay? Rule number one... and I cannot emphasize this enough... never notch an arrow when someone is downra...

[A scout shoots the dart on Pete's neck with an arrow.]

Pete: Is it... uh... is it in my neck? Uh... this is actually a great opportunity to discuss what to do in this situation, right? Becky. Becky, you want to run and tell the lady at the house and see if you can use her phone? I'm gonna... I'm actually gonna take a nap, uh, behind the sh-shed over there. Let's reconvene in 15, okay? Mm. You know, 15, 20.

[first lines]

Bank Robber #1: This is a stickup. Everybody down on the ground. Just stay on the floor, and nobody gets hurt.

Bank Robber #2: Hurry up before the pigs get here.

Bank Robbers: Go. Go, go. Go!

Flower: Bye.

Samantha: It's kind of a long story. I had this near death experience and now I see ghosts. I guess, that's not such a long story.

Jay: Sam, first question, can they take off their own clothes? Sam, come back, I want to tell Jay about ghost sex.

[final lines]

[first lines]

Isaac: Troops, we're running low on fresh water, so I must speak against this ridiculous new trend of hand-washing.

[Jay gets out of the shower and walks towards the bathroom mirror, as the sign reads: "Make Pizza!".]

Jay: Come on! Guys, we're not doing this. This is not the new system!

Sasappis: I really wanted to smell some pepperoni.

Trevor: There's no way I'm writing pepperoni.

Jay: Seriously, this is super creepy! Are you guys still in here? Please leave.

[final lines]

[first lines]

Alberta: Let's go, Sam! We don't have all day!

Samantha: Okay, you literally have eternity.

Alberta: Oh, that's right. Thank you for reminding me of my endless purgatory.

Thorfinn: Sweet little baby, drift off to sleep. Dream of stabbing Danish men, laughing while they weep.

Hetty: No, it's creepy at this age.

Thorfinn: Thor feel it, too.

Samantha: Very weird.

Jay: Yeah.

[final lines]

Hetty: Careful, you cad. Those sconces are made of pure leaded crystal. They are worth more than Oklahoma.

Jay: Okay, yep. Easy-peasy...

[Jay gets electrocuted and falls on top of Hetty.]

Samantha: Jay! Oh, my gosh. Are you okay?

Flower: What's going on?

Samantha: I think Jay electrocuted himself.

Isaac: Oh, he's fine. Ben Franklin used to do the same thing all the time for attention. More like Needy Richard's Almanack, am I right?

Sasappis: And also to remind you to leave the TV on when you go.

Hetty: No way. You are aware that your luggage is language by the front door.

Samantha: I know. It's just been a long day. I'll deal with it tomorrow. Sorry, Hetty just came back.

Hetty: No choice, of course.

Bela: I got catfish. This picture is from an obituary.

Trevor: It's the only picture of me on the Internet.

Samantha: He used the kitchen iPad. I knew we needed a better password than 1234.

Jay: Okay. I'll just stay in here with the corpse and all the ghosts. I was kidding. Sam, please slow down! Sam!

Hetty: 'Til death do us part is out and about.

Trevor: He's literally twirling his mustache.

Hetty: You can't be good.

Jay: Are you ready?

Jay: You wanna hang out and watch the game?

Mark: I'm supposed to help my wife with TurboTax today so...hell yeah, let's do this!

Flower: I'm all for world peace, but if you reach, I will teach.

Sasappis: You can do this.

Samantha: What was that?!

Sasappis: It's a ghost feather, so it kinda just zaps right back into place. But symbolically, it's yours.

Thorfinn: Yes! Is favorite story that does not involve killing Danes.

[final lines]

Alberta: Isaac, aren't you usually on your walk with Nigel right about now?

Isaac: Me & Nigel?

Isaac: What people should be talking about is Isaac & Hetty.

Hetty: I might be in use.

Trevor: Sam!

[first lines]

Trevor: Boys, boys. Notice anything different about me?

Ari: Uh, no, but I noticed something different about your mom when I left her house this morning.

All: Oh!

All: (repeatedly) Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug...

Isaac: Stephanie, you're awake.

Stephanie: Hey, losers.

Hetty: What a lovely surprise. Although isn't it a little early for you to be up? It's only April.

Pete: Right, as a teen ghost, you usually sleep for months on end.

Stephanie: I know. Some dumb living woke me up.

Isaac: Just one more time.

Alberta: Alexa, How did Alexander Hamilton die?

Alexa: Alexander Hamilton died of a gunshot wound on July 12, 1804 at 47 years old.

Trevor: Again. Again.

Samantha: Alexa, play "Kiss Me".

Alexa: Playing "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer.

Hetty: You should take it down.

Stephanie: No, that's my poster.

Hetty: Take it down.

Stephanie: That's my special new poster.

Hetty: Take it down!

Ghosts: No!

[final lines]

Alberta: Aw, Sam. Is this goodbye...

Samantha and Jay: Welcome to Woodstone B & B.